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Why stay?

im done. literally, im just done with this. im done wishing, im done hoping. im finally ready to face the reality that i won't have either of you. it kills me to wish and hope for you. both of you, even though it seems liek im only hoping for one of you most of the time. the one i dont act liek i hope for is the one i hope for more. im done dreaming. im done loving.

*sigh*

no creative title. no creativity flowing right now. when i think about uncle frankie being dead...i cant take it. i know he was sick. i know he was alive for 95 years. i know thats a long time. but i dont want him to be gone.
when i think through it, i think of all the bad in my life. theres theatre. im not getting cast. i can feel it.
theres love. theres a girl who i had and am grateful i had, but often hopelessly want back. thers a girl i just want to know. i reach out horribly  hopelessly for this girl. i shouldnt, but i do. long story short...i will never have either of them (again).
i hate focusing this way. i like to be positive. i really do. i just want things to change...

Title: Silence Tells Me Secretly, Everything
Author: xjeanax
Rating: Probably G
Pairing: Allison Case/Kacie Sheik
AN: Title stolen from HAIR

Silence Tells Me Secretly, EverythingCollapse )


own some originality

stop copying me.
goddamn.

She Runs (1/1)

First fic i've published. I think i like it a lot.


Title: She Runs
Pairing: Allison Case/Kacie Sheik
Rating: Probably PG-13 just for suggestions of sex.

She RunsCollapse )
This family. I'm completely invisible to them a lot of the time and i'm at the point where I can't take it anymore. I can't believe them. Whenever i need/want anything they don't give a damn. But, God for-fucking-bid my sister not get what she wants. i can't wait to graduate and be out of here and done with them and all of this shit. I told them that i need to be at rehearsal a half hour before i actually do for tmrw jsut so i'm sure that i'm there on time. cuz no one gives a flying fuck. At least i know that when i'm there, all the people around me care about me. a lot. and allie loves me, which is absolutely the greatest feeling in the world. i just needed to get all that out. i feel better now.

oh, hello old friend

I haven't posted in a long time and i figured i might as well. i usually make some lists, so i think i'll do that right now

Things making me angry:
1. I probably won't see 9 to 5 on my bday
2. Shoshana Bean will NOT be at my party
3. I probably won't have the party wher  want it.
4. I got hail in my eye on the way to gym class today.
5. Fuckin' hometown history project
6. Marc Kudisch's voice
7. Steve Kazee's existance

Things that are making up for it:
1. My babygirll
2. I have a wonderful 9 to 5 bootyyy
3. I'm getting a meg'anSho shirt <3
4. Allieee
5. IM MEETING KCHEN AND SHOSHANAFUCKINGBEAN
6. There's yummy cake upstaris
7. I'm recording a demo.
8. I'm ridiculously and irreversibly head over heels in love with Allie.

come on, girl. keep pressing on.

I've noticed this week that all i do is compare myself to other. I'm not as pretty as her, I can't sing as well as her, I'm not as good of an actress as her, She has a better body than me. And it's not liek i'm comparing myself to just one person...it's just about anyone i see or hear. I kind of hate myself this week. I'm looking for some kind of escape from all things that are real without hurting myself or anyone else. I'm starting to feel like my life is spiraling into a black hole and will never come out. All the confidence i've been gaining is gone. I'm this close to not auditioning this year. Who am i kidding? I'm not gona make i this time. I'm not. I just want to give up. I'm not gona have good enough grades to get into any of the colleges i like. I'm gonna end up at friggin CCRI. this life fuckin sucks sometimes. And everyone in this fucki house is giving me shit cuzi wanna get away from them for one fucking night. god, i hate them

She's the one thing that keeps me going. I think of her and somehow i want to keep going with this life, try hard at everything i do. I owe my life to her.
I love her.
first entry because i was recently inspired by Allie. cause i like lists.
so, here are my lists.


Things that make me exceedingly happy:
-Music
-having senora keller for spanish! =)
-I'm auditiong for spring awakening!
-Obama's speech is tonight.
-Mamma Chen and Sophia are both on talk shows being adorable tonight.
-I'm listening to Tyler Hilton
-I see Allie everyday.
-Idina Menzel
-Getting paid to read to Mo's kids.
-Working with Miss Wood after school
-GG & OTH ARE BACK ON MONDAY!
-I might go to boston with Allie on monday.
-I just saw a really cute pic of leighton and blake in a magazine.



Things that make me hate my life:
-Allie denying her talent
-Mimi has front row tickets to Spring Awakening.
-My father is just generally an asshole.
-Sometimes i get fed up with myself and everyone. I then proceed to listen to "don't do sadness and "and then there were none" from Spring awakening. then, i take honest thoguht about taking my life. i've obviously never followed through.
-I'll never be Elphaba
-I doubt i'll ever make it to broadway.
-I probably wont make SA callbacks.
-I like someone on and off who will NEVER like me back. happy, allie? i said it. i still like you know who with the you know what on and off.
-No one EVER likes me. ya know, in the "i wanna date you" kinda way.
-I'm in school.

There it is. =)